Malfunction
by VampireVampyre
Summary: One moment Abby was dealing with a brother's Xbox and the next she had some pretty weird family burglars to deal with.
1. Prologue

**{A/N Hello!**

**I'm not going to say much other than welcome! **

**Though please note that this isn't a new story from me but a re-written version of What the Hell! (Don't worry previous readers, the Forest shouldn't be affected too much if at all)**

**If you are a new reader then welcome!}**

Okay so I think I should start off by introducing myself. My name is Abby Jones, I am 20 years old and I live with my older brother Ben in Southwold, England. This is my diary because the incoming events are definitely ones worth noting.

I'm not that big of a video game fan; my brother on the hand has an Xbox and all of the latest games. His current favourite at the time was the Assassins Creed series and by favourite I mean _obsession_. While he sits there playing his games on his beloved Xbox (when not at work), I'm sitting at the piano or strumming my guitar. I had recently completed my Music degree, with a proud 2:1, and I have had a passion for music for years before that with my Grade 8 completed before I turned 18 on the piano. I taught myself guitar so don't have actual grades for that.

When it happened I was playing some of my favourite music on my piano and Ben, as usual, was playing one of the Assassins Creed games on his Xbox. I could hear his annoyed shouts over the harmonic sounds of my piano.

"No don't do that!"

"Oh come on Ezio, don't be such a noob!"

"Minstrel if you don't go away I swear I will-"

My brother is twenty-three.

I tried to ignore it and carried on playing. It worked for a while but then one shout was louder than the rest.

"NO DON'T DIE ON ME NOW XBOX!"

I sighed and stopped playing, my tune cut off midway through. I wandered across the upstairs landing and into his room where he was cursing loudly.

"Ben, I could you hear you shouting at fictional people from across the hall now please… SHUT THE HELL UP. Thanks." I said leaning on the doorway.

"My Xbox just died on me." He said whimpering like a pathetic child. To be fair I would be upset if I broke my piano, but I wouldn't be that pathetic... plus it cost my parents over a grand so I would have a reason to cry.

"Then go out with your friends, you have loads. It's the middle of summer for god's sake, go to the beach!"

The beach wasn't too far away from our house and that day was very sunny and boiling hot. Mum and Dad had moved up to Scotland (to be away from Ben most likely) a few years back so they let us stay in the house as long as we paid rent.

"Fine, I'll go see if Jenny will meet me at the pier. Call me if you need me." Jenny was his long-term girlfriend; she was the only one who could get Ben off of his Xbox. I have tried lots and let's just say I have a 0% success rate.

"Will do, tell Jenny I said hi" I said as he walked past me and went downstairs.

" 'kay." He called back just before I heard the front door close. I smiled at the empty house and walked over to his Xbox.

"I should fix this before he gets back, at least then he will stop annoying me and get back to shouting at his lack of gaming skills." I turned it on with a sigh then almost dropped it as it screeched and glowed.

_I'm pretty sure that is not the so-called 'red ring'!_

"What the?" I said and just as I did the glow subsided and it returned back to normal.

"Maybe I just imagined it." I mumbled but then I heard the sounds of people moving around downstairs and I froze immediately.

_So we go from having little crime to very arrogant burglars? Actually that makes sense since we think we're safe... but still goddamnit why does it have to be this house?!_

I quickly looked around Ben's room for something to use as a weapon if the people were burglars.

_Am I really going to pretend that I can swing that at them? Maybe I can just hold it and look scary?_

I had to make do with a large-ish piece of bed pole that used to belong to Ben's old, deconstructed, bed before I crept silently down the stairs. As I pressed against the wall between the front entrance and living room, I heard something smash.

"_Merda!_" I heard a young man say. Now I'm no language expert - besides my native ones - but I was one hundred percent sure that that was a swear word.

"_Attenzione_! **(Be careful )**" I heard a now female voice say. The voice sounded a lot older than Voice #1.

"_Dove siamo?_ **(Where are we)**" said a child like voice, and I guessed they were ten, maybe younger.

"_In una casa_ **(In a house)**" said another woman, much younger than the other Voice #2, sarcastically.

"_Ho capito_. **(I gathered that)**" said a much older male, he sounded wary.

_You should be wary! You have a very scared twenty-year-old woman about to pounce on you with a flimsy pole who will probably just scream and wave it around. You should be scared!_

"_Non lo so_ **(I do not know)**" said yet another young male, except this one sounder older than Voice #1.

_Why are there so many?! Is this some sort of family business?_

I gathered up the confidence to peek into the room after grabbing my phone and clutching it tightly in my free hand.

There were six people in total, 4 men and 2 women. The youngest male was around the age that I guessed, nine or ten, then the youngest female looked around late teens and the third and second oldest male looked around Ben and I's age. The oldest man and woman looked to be around forty and they were all dressed very strangely. They all looked similar so I had guessed correctly that they were related.

_So it is a family business! How messed up!_

Then someone decided to text me and my ringtone started blasting away at full volume.

"Shit!" I said as they all turned towards the door. They had spotted me.

"_Aspetti! Uno momento signora_ **(Wait! One moment ma'am)**" said the second oldest. I dropped the pole and backed away from the door and quickly sprinted up the stairs, slamming my bedroom door sliding down it panting heavily. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and voices outside my door.

_Pleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillme!_

"_Signora_?" said the second oldest hammering on my door. I shrieked and quivered as I tried to hold the door closed.

" _Federico, calma_! **(Federico, calm it/calm down)**" said the oldest male outside my door and the hammering stopped. "_Lei è _probabilmente è molto spaventata in questo momento__. **(She is probably very scared right now)**"

"_Abbiamo appena apparso nella sua casa, abbiamo bisogno di spiegare che si intende nulla di male_. **(We have just appeared in her house, we need to explain that we mean no harm.)**" said the oldest woman.

"_Signora, non abbiamo intenzione di farti del male o di vostra proprietà, ma potresti dirci come siamo arrivati qui?_ **(Madam, we are not going to hurt you or your property but could you tell us how we got here?)**" said the elder man again in a much more formal and calm voice.

_Oh no I am not falling for that false friendliness crap! I need to call the police! I need to call someone! Fuck, no signal! Goddamn this stupid place and my shitty phone with its temprimental signal!_

_Abigail, müssen Sie stark sein und nehmen diese wie die starke Person ich weiß du bist._ **(Abigail, you must be strong and take this as the strong person I know you are)** I heard my father's encouraging but strict and powerful voice echo through my head - which was actually not one of the most weirdest things that have happened to me.

However, I don't think I've mentioned this but both my parents are from Germany. They moved here after they got married and they have loved it ever since. Unfortunately, (or fortunately however you look at it) our parents insisted that we speak in German to them at all times when it was jsut as at home. I think it's because they think it's good to know our ancestor's language but to also have the skill of another language but when I was little it was all I knew anyway. Ever since we were taught English, Ben and I have managed to fluctuate almost automatically between either. We also made up this thing after mum and dad moved out where if we were in trouble or it was something private or important, we spoke in German to each other.

"Do any of you speak English? I have no idea what you just said." I asked, and I really hoped they did, it would mean I could beg for them not to kill me.

After that, for some unknown reason, I pulled out my phone and managed, eventually, to text my brother. I think it may be that they have a young child and had sounded pretty scared. When I look back on it, that was a both a pretty good but very poor decision.

_'Ben, jetzt kommen wieder! Es ist ein Notfall! Aber bitte nicht in das Haus, draußen zu warten. Ich meine es! Danke Abby_ **(Ben, come back now! It's an emergency! But not in the house, wait outside. I mean it! Thanks Abby.)**'

"Yes, almost all of us do. Why don't you speak Italian?" said the second oldest in heavily accented English.

"Because we aren't in Italy?" I answered unsurely.

_Why would they assume I knew Italian?! I don't but that is a pretty bold assumption!_

I could barely hear the hushed whispers from the other door - though it wouldn't have mattered either way since I couldn't understand them.

"Look just take what you want, just don't kill me!" I eventually blurted so they would just leave already.

"We would never want to kill you, _signora_, or take your things." The eldest man said in slightly lighter accented English. "We just wish to know how we arrived into your residence."

"Uh you broke in?"

Again there was a long pause outside.

"We do not remember it but we apologise for any damage we have caused or any distress made. That was not our intention, nor was it our purpose to actually be in your home."

"It wasn't?"

"No, _signora_." The man said and shout at me all you like, unintelligent piece of paper, because I believed him and actually opened the door to face them and oh my god I wanted to laugh.

They all looked like they'd gone to some weird historical reenactment because their clothes were very weird - especially the mens'. The women's dresses were beautifully decorated and their hair immaculate but the two of the guys were wearing tight leather(!) trousers and a doublet-thing. One of them, though very foreignly handsome, had his hair in a ponytail while the others' were quite short. I literally had to suck in a breath and bite my inner cheeks in order to not at least snort. Now that I wasn't scared, I found them so funny.

They seemed to think the same of me as the other girl was doing the same while the two younger men were unfortunately staring until I reached for my wing scarf to stop them. That was so creepy and my maxi dress was modest!

"How do you get lost and get into someone else's house in a different country?" I said suspiciously as I thought of it and they all just shared a look of cluelessness together.

"We have no idea." Pervert no.1 said though his eyes, thankfully, had moved northward to my face. "We were at home, there was a glow and then we were in your home."

_A glow..._

"One second, excuse me." I said and squished through them all to go back to Ben's room. The xbox was sat back on it's little shelf where I sure-as-hell didn't put it. Cautiously, I slid by it and picked up _Assassin's Creed II_ and read the back before coming out.

"Sorry, what were your names?" I asked, trying to be nonchalant but friendly.

"_Mi dispiace signora, _**(I am sorry ma'am) **my name is Giovanni Auditore da Firenze and this is my wife Maria and my children: Federico, Ezio, Petruccio, and Claudia." the man said and gestured to each person in turn who smiled at me politely.

_Ezio Auditore da Firenze... well fuck..._

"I'm Abby Jones da Southwold? And I guess I have some explaining to do." I said before leading them back downstairs.


	2. A Lot of Explaining to Do

Once everyone had calmed down from their major panic attacks, (well the four that spoke English) I lead them back down stairs and into the living room. The little one, Petruccio, was pulling on his mother's weird but fancy dress and asking something in Italian. She looked nervous but told him something. He was confused at first then his eyes lit up in wonder.

The girl was a little more shocked and a little less happy but didn't say anything as of yet.

"_Magnifico_!"

Even I didn't need a translator for that; I was glad someone was enjoying this.

As I lead them back into the living room, I noticed that the vase full of flowers that had been on the table had mysteriously disappeared. Then I remembered the smash I'd heard so I sighed and got out the dustpan and brush and cleared up the mess that one of the men had made. Federico apologised of course, with a little help from his parents, but I also got the impression he was trying to flirt with me as well. I just sighed and ignored it but almost laughed at the lines he tried to pull since they were the cheesiest lines ever!

After clearing up the mess and getting refreshments I headed back from the kitchen and into the crowded living room. Everyone had tried to cram onto our fairly large sofa but it looked very uncomfortable so I got a chair from the kitchen and sat down offering the smaller loveseat to some of our (very) unexpected guests. Claudia and the Federico man took the seats gratefully.

"Okay so my brother should be back any second so I'll tell you a little about him. He's called Ben, he's a lazy idiot but surprisingly has a girlfriend. He's twenty three and manages to muster the effort to work." I said and the people who understood me chuckled. I'd figured out that the Petruccio and Claudia didn't understand English at all and Maria knew a little. The men, especially Giovanni, knew English to the extent that we could have good conversations with each other.

"Abby! What's going on?" My brother called as he fumbled with his keys and tried to unlock the door.

"Hang on, I'm coming. Don't you dare come in!" I said getting up from my chair. "That's him now. Excuse me a minute." I explained then quickly grabbed my keys and shut burst out of the front door leaving the perplexed family in the living room.

"I got your text, what's the matter?" he said while panting (must have ran from work!) and I silently motioned for him to be quiet. He raised an eyebrow but I scowled and his closed his mouth.

"_Deine Xbox hat gerade die Familie von deinem Assassin's Creed Spiel in unser Wohnzimmer transportiert und mich zu Tode erschrocken, dass ist passiert!_ **(Your Xbox just transported the family from your Assassin's Creed game into our living room and freaked me the hell out that's what is going on!)**" I said quietly and angrily. Ben looked dumbstruck and didn't look like he believed me at all - which to be fair is very understandable.

"Wait, you were in my room?"

I literally wanted to murder him. "_That_ is the part you're worried about?!"

"No the other bit was pretty weird too but seriously. You. In. My. Room? That never happens unless you want something!"

"Okay first off, hey! Secondly, I was going to fix it before you came back actually. Oh and thirdly, do you really think I can't see you standing by the window?" I said glaring at the figures peeking through the window at us. I heard laughing and Ezio and Federico stepped away from the window. Ben looked shocked as he recognised Ezio and Federico.

_See!_

"_Du musst so tun als ob du sie kennen würdest!_ **(You have to pretend that you don't recognise them!)**" I said blocking Ben's path into the house.

"Okay, okay!" he said and I unlocked the door and we both went back into the living room.

"This is my brother I told you about." I said introducing him. He kind of glared at me then waved awkwardly - amazingly hiding his shock and happiness that they were _actually_ here. After everyone had said hi, I introduced everyone to him unnecessarily but Ben played along nevertheless.

"What were you speaking out there?" Ezio asked me earning a glare from his mother.

"Our parents are from a foreign-." I started before Ben eagerly interrupted.

"Germanic."

"- well _thanks_ Ben for that," I said with as much sarcasm as I could put in my voice. "but yes, our parents are Germanic and we learnt English as our second language."

I felt pretty proud when the family looked stunned and Federico translated to the two others.

Once he understood, Petruccio gasped and spoke excitedly to me while completely forgetting that I didn't speak a word of Italian.

"He asked you if you and your brother could say something else in Germanic. He found it rather interesting." Maria said as a translator. I smiled at him and his mother then looked at Ben who looked like he would explode with happiness just like a child.

_Jesus, they are just people Ben!_

"Of course erm... _Es ist schön jemanden an der deutschen Sprache interessiert zu sehen. Es ist eine ziemlich schöne Sprache wenn man erst einmal den Dreh raus hat._ **(It is nice to see someone interested in the German language. It is quite a beautiful language, once you get the hang of it.)**" I said while Ben and Maria translated.

"_Vielleicht können wir dir ja bis zu einem gewissen Punkt einige Wörter beibringen. Wenn du möchtest?_** (Maybe we could teach you some words at some point. If you want to?)**" Ben said smiling at Petruccio, I translated this time and when Maria told him he clapped then nodded. _Looks like we've made a new friend already_.

"Claudia could learn some too if she wanted, it could create a common ground." Giovanni suggested and I nodded, it sounded like a very good idea.

After that we just descended into a routine of answering and asking questions on both sides, though mostly ours since we were from the future! It was like that until I happened to glance up at the clock and saw that it was getting on in the evening and I hadn't even gotten tea yet!

Pretty much after that I rushed off to get the ingredients while Ben kept the Auditores entertained.


	3. Dinner

**Malfunction Chapter 3**

I got to Tescos in no time (thank god I picked converse over heels), grabbed a basket and soon filled it with the ingredients I need to make 3 or 4 pizzas.

_Did they have pizza in the Renaissance? I know Ben talks about that period a lot but pizza was never brought up... I have no clue! _

Once I decided pizza would be fine, I went straight to self-service since I had no time to queue _and_ get dinner ready in time. As I started scanning the items and putting them into the bags, I heard the familiar pitter-patter of rain on the metal roof of the supermarket. I groaned and looked through the large glass windows at the front of the store. It was chucking it down!

_Oh no,_ _I have to walk home in that!_

I quickly paid my money and walked out of the automatic doors and into the downpour. I hadn't even thought to bring an umbrella with me since it had been a nice day.

_Up until now. _

I looked up at the jet black clouds and sighed, it wasn't going to let up anytime soon. I decided to run all the way home through the torrent of rain and hope no-one sees my now not so straight hair.

I hate having anything but straight hair; if I can't straighten it I put it all up and out of show. Yes I know it's bad for my hair but I put so much product that it should be completely fine and incredibly shiny!

I slowly ventured away from the cover of Tescos and instantly stepped in a puddle getting my feet completely drenched.

_This just isn't my day!_

I sighed again but started my run back home.

I was just at the halfway point (and already extremely tired) when Jenny pulled up in her car.

"Abby, oh my god you're soaked! Do you want a lift, hun?" she called out of her car window while eyeing my dripping clothes and heavy bags with concern.

"Hey Jen, yes please; my hair's a mess!" I said while gratefully getting in the passenger seat of Jenny's little red VW beetle. "Sorry, I don't mean to get your seat wet!"

"Nah that's okay, anyway do you know why Ben left so early today?" Jenny said, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion on the subject. I immediately felt a little guilty as it was supposed to be some of their rare romantic time.

"Sorry, that was my fault, we have some very...unexpected guests who are staying over so..."

"Oh okay don't worry, I was just a little confused. Is it okay if I meet them and managed to drag Ben fro his video games? Are they relatives of yours?"

_Nope but Ben and his games won't be a problem anymore..._

"Yeah, they're our... cousins. They came from Italy so they will be staying for a while." I managed to make a decent lie which was a success.

"Italy? Wow, you have relatives from all over the place!" she said as we pulled up outside the house.

I laughed along with her as it was true, we always went to Germany for Christmas since all of my family beside my parents were German but then I have relatives that are half of one nationality besides German so we're kinda a little multicultural.

"Okay here we are, see ya soon! Oh and tell Ben to call me whenever he has the chance."

"Yeah will do, see you soon Jenny." I said getting out of the car and making a dash for sanctuary in the lovely warm and dry house. Before I can get to the door though, it opens and I dash inside without a second thought. Only after I have removed my wet shoes and coat and made sure that my hair is fully tied back (to be sorted out later) do I notice the chuckling Federico leaning against the door. I raised my eyebrows as I put my shoes away and my jacket on the radiator.

"What?" I ask as I make sure there is nothing embarrassing about my appearance apart from being sopping wet.

"You look like you've just jumped into a river!" he said still chuckling.

"Yeah, thanks for the amazing compliment" I said layering my voice with lots of sarcasm. I don't think he got it because he looked a little confused. I rolled my eyes and muttered 'Seriously? No sarcasm?' before bending to get the quite heavy bags. Federico, however, beat me to it.

"Allow me." He said picking up the heavy bags with ease. I was a little shocked since no-one round here had that many manners to do that. Pretty sure now that he was attempting to both be a gentleman and use this as some kind of flirting.

"Thanks." I said as I lead him to the kitchen. I couldn't help but smile at the fact that Ben was watching the TV with every one of our Italian guests' eyes (aside from Federico) glued to the screen.

"I see Ben has shown everyone the TV." I said to Federico in the kitchen while I unloaded the bags.

"The what?" he said with obvious confusion.

_Obviously Ben hasn't bothered to explain it to them yet!_

"The screen with the moving pictures and people on it is called a television or TV for short." I said before heading back into the television to explain the 'mysterious' object. When I got back in the living room with Federico, Giovanni was saying about how it was impossible while everyone else was still watching it.

"You haven't explained it Ben?" I said to him leaning against the doorframe after watching Federico join the debate about the TV's possibleness. Ben looked back at me and shrugged.

"It's hard to explain." He said before turning back to the TV. I sighed and rolled my eyes at his dedication to watching the programmes that I pay for (that's right its ME who has to pay the TV license and Sky which I do as well as rent!).

"That's right, just watch Sky while I explain the TV _you_ seem to enjoy watching the most even though I pay for it!"

"Yeah but I pay for the internet and the electricity that _you_ seem to enjoy using most."He retorted still not taking his eyes off of the TV. I laughed and gave in.

"All right, all right fine. I'll explain it." I said before Ben did the herculean task of muting the TV while I explain it. When he did, he earned gasps from the Auditores –even Giovanni and Federico who had stopped arguing. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and instead proceeded to explain how the TV works.

"Okay so the people on the screen actually aren't inside the screen at all. They were filmed acting this out ages ago and it is only just being broadcasted now. This programme is on everyone's TVs, well on this channel on their TVs right now as well. It is broadcasted all over the country via these machines that we have put in the sky. Okay?"

Everyone just gawped at me as if I had been speaking in an entirely different language. Claudia was translating everything to Petruccio as if it was the most exciting thing ever.

"I know it sounds weird and totally impossible but that's how it works." I said smiling reassuringly at them. They slowly thought about it and accepted my explanation as the truth, even though I doubt that they really understood it at all.

After that, I rushed upstairs to change out of my soaking clothes and into something dry and cosy. As I look quickly glanced at my reflection in my mirror, I noticed some loose strands were already really wavy. I sighed and quickly pinned them up before heading back down to start on dinner.


End file.
